Late Evening of the Living Dead Bicyclists

Last night I found myself wearing a Jesus costume and leading a coterie of bicyclists dressed as zombies around NE Portland. Our fair city's (now annual) zombie bike ride was upon us, and for a number of reasons I suddenly found myself leading the thing. Needing to stand out from the biking horde of slavering cyclists, I decided to comport myself as the most famous zombie ever, a dude who shambled out of his grave three days after a rather nasty torture/execution session.

We met up in a park, and my friend L was good enough to show up with a batch of corn syrup, red food dye, and flour. As I'd only recently had the responsibility of the ride foisted on me, and didn't have any fake blood, L was a lifesaver (or rather, unlifersaver) for bringing the hemoglobin. A few pictures-

Here's L, devouring her somewhat chagrined boyfriend:

This gentleman did the "military guy gets zombified" thing. He had very creepy teeth.

"BEEEEERR!"

Slathered in L's fake blood, this girl looked a bit more like Carrie than a zombie, but she certainly pulled it off. She should watch out, though, because the girl behind her seems to be contemplating Carrie-centric mastication.

Our attempt at a zombie last supper:

You can't really see it in the picture, but these girls are covered in glitter blood. We decided they were Twilight zombies.

Zombie dance! We stopped at three places, and rocked out to Thriller at two of them. The night closed with zombie karaoke at a tiki bar where numerous zombies (as in the drink) were consumed. I decided that the best thing for Zombie Jesus to sing would be Highway to Hell.

As people went home, more than a few of them said "Thank you, Jesus!" I kind of love my lifestyle.

Night of the Living Naked Bicyclists

Yes, that's me. In that picture I am wearing the following items:

-Socks

-Shoes

-A bicycle helmet

-A messenger bag

-Paint

...And that's it. Saturday was the World Naked Bike Ride here in Portland, and I was not going to miss it. Last year, I learned of the event too late and wasn't able to participate because I was playing Dungeons and Dragons. Yes, really. While thousands of other Portlanders were getting naked in the streets last year, I was playing D&D. (Though, it was a really fun D&D session...)

The Oregon constitution goes a bit further than the federal one with regards to protected speech. Because the World Naked Bike Ride is technically political speech (we were ostensibly there protesting oil dependence), the ensuing bike-mounted parade of butts, boobs, and saddle-mounted wangs were 100% legal. The police were out in force... corking traffic for us. Several of the cops waved, and one particularly enthusiastic officer of the law was throwing metal horns to the various naked cyclists.

This was the second time in my life that I've been naked on a bike, and just like when I got naked for a flaming lips video, it was pretty much entirely nonsexual. I'm not about to turn into some kind of ideological nudist, but damn it was fun. Lots of fun. Overturning social mores almost always is.

A steady crowd of onlookers had massed on the street, often with their arms out, high-fiving the participants. The naked participants, in turn, often shouted things such as "Take off your pants!" to the crowd. Amazingly, some of them did. There were more than a few naked onlookers, most notably a very well-muscled gentleman sitting naked astride a motorcycle and giving everyone a thumbs up. If there ever was a potential cover for a gay metal album, he was it.

One of the bums I recognized from Old Town also decided to get naked, and there, on the side of the road, he was wearing nothing but dirt whilst bouncing up and down excitedly. I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing filthy bouncing hobo wang, but there it was. Also in Old Town a rather obnoxious frat-boyish sort of guy screamed "Where the titties at?" I thought this was sort of a curious thing to say given that titties were everywhere.

Like I said, overturning social mores is nearly always fun. The feeling of everyone getting together and saying "Hey, guys! Let's temporarily operate using alternative social constructions!" is precisely the kind of thing that can make lots of people say "Woo!" It's a refreshing reminder that things are mutable.

It was highly neat. If I'm in Portland next year, I'm definitely getting naked again.

The Idea of Los Angeles, Part Two, Wherein a City is Redeemed in My Eyes

Hollywood is awful.

Up until I set foot on Hollywood Boulevard, I'd been enjoying my time in L.A. I'd had a fine time at the beautiful, art-filled Getty, and the grandly sleazy Venice Beach. The palm trees, gimmicky as they were, gave the place a recognizable sort of local character, as did the Spanish-inspired hacienda architecture. Other than lacking public transport, L.A. didn't seem that bad.

Until I got to Hollywood, which was, easily, the single most disappointing tourist experience of my entire life.

Now, I'm all for the whole "be a traveler, not a tourist" type of sojourning. Walking down an unfamiliar street or sitting in an unfamiliar local bar or restaurant can be quite rewarding. One of the things that delighted me about L.A. was just being in a different sort of environment, taking in the buildings, people, and climate. Appreciating the change in latitudes, etc.

But, every so often, I like to have me a good-old-fashioned tourist experience. There is nothing wrong with going to a well-recognized landmark and saying "Woo! There's the Golden Gate Bridge/Taj Mahal/Statue of Liberty/Big Ben/Great Wall! Wow! I'm actually looking at it right now!"

Mind you, I was warned. "Hollywood is kind of crappy," said Seph, as we drove there. I assumed as much. I thought that it would be a row of shops and restaurants, and that would be about it. I had low, low expectations, and I was okay with that. Mainly, I was happy to be hanging out with a good friend in a new city.

Hollywood, however, did not meet even my low expectations. The place is an utter shithole. A depressing and despondent stretch of concrete. It is exactly the kind of place where beggars ask for weed instead of change. The shops along the way ply movie memorabilia and stripper boots, all the while bedecked with promotional posters and faded cardboard cutouts of Marilyn Monroe, Hollywood's suicidal bombshell of a mascot.

The stars on the street are bland and undifferentiated. There is very little separating Jack Palance from, say Larry King. They are cracked and largely uninteresting, and resemble inexpensive headstones more than anything else. Ostensibly I was walking up and down a monument to art and glamor, but I felt nothing. The stars were generic and perfunctory. Even finding one dedicated to one of my heroes didn't move me particularly much.

Yup, that's Gene Roddenberry's star, and that's my foot on it. I was genuinely attempting to enjoy myself and find something to like about Hollywood, and hoped that Star Trek would fit the bill. I love Star Trek. To me, Star Trek is warm, wonderful, safe, cuddly, and comforting. It is like chicken soup combined with oatmeal, but not in a gross way. Star Trek is like an old friend who knows exactly what to say can totally make you feel better. If I ever have a kitten that gets caught in a blender, I will seek solace in Star Trek. If I ever am enduring a bad acid trip and start believing that the curtains are trying to eat my lungs, I'll try to calm down with Star Trek. If I ever lose both my earlobes in a freak Cuisinart accident, I'll try to cheer myself up with Star Trek.

Star Trek, however, didn't really make Hollywood that much better.

Here's another Trek-related picture. Again, this is me attempting to have fun.

Unfortunately, despite the pistol-pointing and my jaunty smile, I am not experiencing very much of what can be called "enjoyment." I'm making a good go of it, though.

That picture, by the way, is right in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater. Now, it is a very cool looking building. The place is wonderfully distinctive, and I liked that a lot. Something that I think is sort of funny about the theater, though, is that it's so obviously reminiscent of yellow-peril Orientalism. Now, I'm not going to go all Edward Said on you, but one could definitely imagine Ming the Merciless or Fu Man Chu walking out of the place (not that that wouldn't be awesome, mind you). I wasn't in China very long, but the exterior didn't really match many of the historical buildings I saw there. It seems much more of a "woo-woo exotic East" sort of building, rather than anything built by, say, actual Chinese people.

The building is still a working theater, which I like. Landmarks are especially interesting when they are still actually used by their local communities. The front of the theater, though, is choked by tourists. On several different occasions, a uniformed staff member asked us if we wanted a tour, and we declined. People were constantly snapping pictures of the handprints and footprints in the cement, and the place really was spoiled by its obvious identity as a tourist trap. A nearby tour was a Chinese chapter of Amway who probably came to the States for a convention pertaining to their grand pyramid scheme. People wearing shorts and khakis milled about, and I was sort of embarrassed for the setting. I really, really don't want to sound like a cliched, snotty, Kerouac-reading backpacker here, but the crowd of tourists really did make things suck.

At the same time, though, I empathized with the people there. I wondered how many of them were having a supremely shitty time of it all, kind of like I was. How many families from Iowa rolled into Hollywood expecting... something? Something significant and at least partially enthusiastic. Something other than a street names less interesting than the cheapest of headstones. How many of these Iowan families went back to their rooms at their mid-ranged hotels and wondered if they'd done it wrong? How many of them thought, "I didn't see what's so great about Hollywood. Maybe I went on the wrong day? Maybe I didn't go to the good part?"

Hollywood has a reputation, a reputation that draws those families from Iowa who show up with their shorts, khakis, and expectations. It does not back up that reputation. Hollywood half-heartedly goes through the motions, doing the bare minimum of what it takes to be a landmark or district of note. It lets each and every one of those Iowa families down, and, for that, Hollywood is a truly vile place.

Oh, yeah- the Hollywood sign. It's on a hill behind some smog.

In Seph's car, I became despondent. That's exactly the right word for it- despondent. At that point, I hadn't been able to completely articulate my disappointment with Hollywood, and my idea of Los Angeles was beginning to suffer. I thought, perhaps, that my horrid preconceptions of southern California had been right all along- that it was a massive but ultimately culturally insignificant region.

I thought for a moment that I really need to visit Austin. It's supposed to be pretty cool.

We made our way to a bar in downtown L.A. to meet a mutual friend. I was in a funk. About halfway through my first beer I said "I was astounded by how much, Hollywood sucked."

"Yeah," said our friend, "It's awful."

And there it was. I proceeded to go on a beer-fueled invective about why Hollywood was the most disappointing travel experience I'd ever had, and damn if it didn't feel good to hate on the place. After a few beers my spirits were up and I started milling about the bar, interviewing and photographing attractive strangers for an assignment.

We left the bar, and walked through downtown L.A. to an art walk. Stepping through the streets I realized that this was precisely what I'd been missing- walking through a city's downtown, strolling past stoplights, under skyscrapers, past people, and in an area where one feels that something is going on, there is some real authentic human activity vibrating all about you. Tokyo had this. Tokyo is my ideal of this, really. I could walk through that city all day (and did) and simply enjoy the crush of the crowds, the blare of the neon, and the ambient activity.

L.A. had a little of that, so far. I enjoyed Venice Beach because it was such a good strolling area and filled with weirdos, but Hollywood had erased that goodwill. Downtown L.A., though, began to redeem the city in my eyes. Or rather, L.A. finally started seeming like what I think of as a "city." (By the way, I know that it's kind of ludicrous to refer to the second-largest urban area in the U.S. as anything other than a "city," but I think you know what I mean.)

An art walk was in progress, and it dwarfed anything that Portland had to offer.

The streets were crowded with people of a particular demographic (mine) and various galleries were lit up and open. A band bedecked in sparkles and glitter played in one area, and I had no trouble collecting interviews and photos for my assignment. Eventually we found ourselves inside the Alexandria Hotel surrounded by people. In a ballroom a dorky-looking hipster guy was singing David Bowie karaoke. Art was strewn on the walls. Odd looking films were being projected. Very attractive people were milling about. Sexy architecture was being put to good use.

I said to Seph, "I am enjoying this."

"Welcome to my town, bitch!" He said this knowing that I'd just gotten it- that I'd just figured out that L.A. is worth it, after all. Our friend had to leave and eventually we found ourselves drinking in a swank-seeming basement club with vaguely steampunk-looking decor. Various people were dressed up in twenties garb, a pretty good jazz band had the stage, and several silent films were being projected on different walls.

"This is normal," he said to me, "there is always something going on."

I knew he was right, that with millions and millions of humans of course awesome things will emerge. Of course there will be things of cultural relevance and interest. I was immersed in an environment that I was enjoying a great deal.

I thought of my beloved Tokyo. Admittedly, there are plenty of lame parts of Tokyo- there are whole tracts of Chiba suburbs that are somewhat less than exciting. I'd much rather visitors judge it by taking in the performers at Yoyogi Park, geeking out in Akihabara, or getting plastered and going clubbing in Roppongi. There is still plenty of mundanity there, though.

If I lived in L.A., I'm sure that I would be able to find its equivalent of Yoyogi, or Akihabara, or Roppongi. I know that I'd be able to dig in and find the awesome bits, just as Seph had. Hollywood, though, the single most famous part of the city, actively makes you believe that that urban life just isn't there.

My idea of Los Angeles had indeed been revised upwards. I left with an overall positive impression. It is not just undifferentiated sprawl- there really are a few very nice things down there.

And if they ever get a mass transit system, it might actually be an alright place to live.

The Idea of Los Angeles, Part One

I've been to Northern California several times, and regard San Francisco as a sort of far-flung cousin of the Northwest. The same sort of ineffable Ecotopian vibe that I appreciate in Portland, Eugene, and Seattle pervades SF. The city is walkable and criss-crossed with mass transit, an air of palpable liberalness pervades the atmosphere. And (just like Portland) it's filled with weirdos, hobos, and people on impractical fixed-gear bicycles.

My mental image of "California" is of the mostly-empty North- the Sierra Nevada and I-5, the vast area between Eugene, OR and San Francisco, CA. This image of California was unthreatening, boring, and filled with cows. San Francisco seems unjustly separated by its Northwestern brethren by these vast tracts of bovine-munched emptiness. "California," to me, was equivalent to empty driving.

I had never been South. I'd never trekked below the Bay Area's latitudes (at least not in California) and had never seen what went on in the tract of land known as "SoCal." I had never seen so much of what feeds into the popular mindset of what is called "California." In my head, however, there was an idea of Los Angeles:

A vast and undifferentiated city that can only be barely called a city. It is only a city in that many people are there. However, it has no center. A city must have a hub and axis, a point of communal recognition. There must be a beating heart within some ever-lively downtown area where something is always happening. I did not imagine this. I did not imagine a center to L.A., or things happening in L.A., or even the idea of walking through L.A.

My idea of L.A. was that despite the presence of millions of humans in a given area, a real metropolis had failed to take hold. The thing was massive but uncomplex- as if single-celled organisms had kept dividing and multiplying, but had never bothered to evolve. Sitting there would be an immense amount of undifferentiated biomass- heaps of cells but not a single organ.

That was my idea of Los Angeles. I'd gone down there to help Seph move from SoCal to Seattle. He'd been telling me to visit the city for some time. Finally, I did.

My first impressions of the place were poor. My rideshare from the Bay to L.A. was a woman who had what I found out was an Orange County accent. This surprised me. I think of regional accents as something that are just naturally going extinct, especially west of the Mississippi. When I imagine future English, I imagine it as neutral and unaccented. She and I had some confusion about directions, and immediately we got lost while I was on the phone with Seph, trying to find a spot to meet up with him.

Eventually we did, and he dragged me to his soccer game, which was held in a venue that was not at all apocalyptic, smog-choked, or otherwise despondent. One of his teammates informed me that people do, indeed, have real lives in L.A.

Seph, being a good host, was determined to show me the sights, such as they were. One site was Wilshire Drive which, he said, "kind of looks like a real city." He was right. It did. There were skyskrapers and everything. Wilshire clashed with my view of L.A. as a spread-out unbuilt place. I was amazed. "Keep in mind," he said, "this is really just the downtown area."

The next few days would confirm some of my suspicions about L.A., though. It is extremely spread out, and there seem to be precious few options for public transportation. This boggles my mind. I do not understand how a city can be of appreciable size and no demand for competent public transit emerges. I know that I have been spoiled by Portland and Japan, but I think of public transit as something fundamental about cities. You have plumbing, electricity, and public transit. Otherwise, you're just wallowing in barbarism.

Anyway, Seph took me to the Getty, which is nice. Very, very nice- if it wasn't free you'd probably imagine that you couldn't afford admission. The building itself is almost more interesting than the art inside- most of what I saw were some oils and impressionistic works that I didn't really care for. (I think impressionism is boring. That's right! I said it!) The view was more visually stimulating than any of the Monets, though. I found out that L.A. smog is very real, and various sub-skylines seemed to dominate the sprawl. Below the Getty, the vast city stretched out and various pockets of tall building occasionally poked out of the landscape.

Strolling through the structure seemed to hammer home the idea to me that, yes, L.A. actually is capable of containing some rather nice stuff. For my whole trip there, I was trying to revise my idea of L.A. upward. I wanted to find redeeming things about it, and the Getty was certainly that. If you're in L.A., go there. It's a beautifully made building filled with green lawns and fountains, and it has some fairly neato art as well.

As were the palm trees, the hacienda architecture, and the various art deco buildings. After we went to the Getty, we strolled on Venice Beach and through Santa Monica. Venice Beach was surprisingly enjoyable. The place is sleazy, dirty, and weird. In a good way. It's immensely touristy, but it seemed to be focused pretty well on a certain demographic. Pedestrians were redolent of tattoos, and it seemed as if every third storefront was selling, if not actual marijuana, something related to cannabis.

Or, you know, botox.

The stores selling bongs, pipes, and sophomoric weed-themed t-shirts did not really surprise me. What did surprise me, though, were the amount of medical marijuana dispensiaries along the way. Most of them had barkers outside, petite women holding signs shouting that "the doctor [was] in" and that you could "get yourself legal." This, by the way, only bolstered my belief that medical marijuana as a cause is sort of silly, and we should stop kidding ourselves and just legalize it for recreational use. I sort of appreciated how blatantly the law was being bent. It made me feel like real change is going on.

In Santa Monica itself, I found myself revising my opinions of L.A. I enjoyed the smell of the ocean, the temperate climate, and the palms shifting in the wind. "The palm trees aren't native, you know," said Seph. "They were brought here in the forties as a publicity stunt." I didn't care. They were just... neat!

I experiencing something that could best be described as "fun." Between the high-falutin' Getty and nicely nasty Venice, I was beginning to get this idea that L.A. was a pretty alright place. Sure, the lack of public transport still seemed sort of fucked up, but my idea of Los Angeles and of California was spiraling upward nicely.

Until I got to the misery-inducing belt of disappointment known as Hollywood Boulevard.

Fuck Hollywood.

The Best and Worst of America, All in One Morning

There were only five of them.

Just this morning the infamous Westboro Baptist Church (a.k.a. the "God hates fags" people) protested Portland's Grant High School. Arriving there, I could see why they chose the location- the entrance to Grant is large and dramatic, columns rising up over greenery and stairs. The street in front of it is wide but not busy, accessible and easy to find but not excessively choked by cars. The setting was an idea potential publicity place.

The five of them, a middle-aged man and women, along with three younger men who looked to be either in their late teens or early twenties, held two signs each. One of them read "YOU ARE ALL GOING TO HELL" and another said "FAGS DOOM NATIONS." Of course, there was one that simply said "GOD HATES FAGS" and another proclaimed Obama to be the Antichrist. I wondered if the five of them were all related to Fred Phelps, the leader of the church.

This was the worst of America, a fanatical cultlike hate group. This was a vile and utterly morally bankrupt display. This same group also pickets the funerals of people who have died of AIDS, frequently desecrates the American flag and declares the U.S. to be a "doomed," and also holds hateful signs outside of Jewish institutions. They are (and I use this word sparingly) evil. I don't use that word for a lot of people, but I think that if you are heartless enough to disrupt funerals, blame Jews for crucifying Jesus, consign nearly all of the U.S. to hell, and all the while believe that God is on your side, you are most certainly evil. Crazed, arrogant, and twisted.

But there were only five of them. There were hundreds of us.



A whole crowd of counter protesters massed in front of Grant High School, carrying signs and banners, playing guitars and drums, singing and chanting. There were high school students, weirdos, old people, geeks, and priests. Some of the signs were serious, but most were whimsical and odd, proclamations of nonsense and internet memes. People were there to protest, but they were also there to have fun.

This is better than simple resistance. My generation, for the most part, believes in equality. We were raised learning about Marting Luther King, Jr., we were born well after Civil Rights, Women's Lib and the first gay rights movement. For most of my generation, people in their twenties and thirties, equality has simply been part of the air. Of course we believe in civil rights. Of course we're against discrimination and prejudice. It is, anymore, common sense. To rail against it is absurd, and it was answered with absurdity.

Again, there were five of them, and hundreds of us. The crowd, rather than being angry, was gleeful. At one point, everyone started singing the Barney theme song ("I love you, you love me...") and then This Little Light of Mine. That was followed by The ABCs. Grant students milled through the crowd holding cans asking for donations for "The Grant High School Gay/Straight Alliance... and irony!" I gave them a bit for irony.

Someone had a portable stereo and the familiar lyrics "Never gonna give you up..." blared through it. The crowd said "Woo!" and started grooving to Rick Astley only half-jokingly. Cars drove by, most of them parents dropping off their high schoolers, and waved to the crowd, tooting their horns in support.

(Her sign says "I like cats," by the way.)

Would it be better to ignore the Westboro Baptist Church? Maybe. If you see a crazy street person ranting to themselves, it's usually best not to try to dissuade them of their craziness. They're too far gone. However, the counter protest wasn't about persuading the Westboro Baptist Church that they were in the wrong. The crowd was more there in solidarity, and it turned into something of a party, a huge pre-work get-together. People were having fun. That was what the WBC accomplished today- I doubt that they persuaded anyone that God actually hates fags, or that anyone is going to hell. What they did do, though, was act as the impetus for a good time, a fun occasion of playful nonsense.

I don't fear for America. This is a country that's produced a fair amount of awful things, but we've also pushed back. Gradually this place has gotten better. Yes there are still nasty things like the business in Arizona going on right now, and yes we have a long way to go, but things are mostly going in the right direction. I really believe that.

Fifty years ago we had segregation, and now the president is black. Fifty years ago sexism was the norm, and now a(nother) woman is going to sit on the Supreme Court. Fifty years ago homosexuality was considered a psychiatric disorder, and now Don't Ask, Don't Tell is in the process of being repealed. Would the crowd in front of Grant have been there fifty years ago, enjoying themselves in the streets, all in the name of equality? Probably not. But because of the wonderful evolution and adaptation that this country is capable of, we were there.

It is tempting to despair and say "fuck it," to point at incidents of nastiness, ignorance, and regression and just write off the country as doomed. That's a cop-out, though. That's ignoring responsibility. I'm not there. I believe that one of the best things about America is that it has the power to grow out of its awfulness and become something better.

It has become a place where there were five of them and hundreds of us.