Break That Cycle: Why I Gave Up Pasta

I am jonesing badly.

It is an unpleasant feeling. I keep thinking about the object of my desire/addiction, the thing that I want so badly to enter my bloodstream. I'm antsy and I wonder how long this self-denial will last. If it's for real. I keep thinking how easy it would be to go to my hook-up, how simple a task it would be to trade cash for what a really want, and make all of this energy and anxiety go away. I keep telling myself that I'll make it a month. Yes. At least a month.

I'm talking, of course, about how I've given up pasta.

I love pasta. Noodles are, bar none, my favorite food in the entire world. They are my ultimate, super, desert-island megafood. Ever since I was a little kid and I was making fresh pasta with my mom, I've loved the stuff. Loved it. Right now, if I could have my way, a bowl of fettucini alfredo with salmon would show up right in front of me.

But, that's not going to happen. I'll admit it- I almost bought the ingredients for fettucini alfredo at the store, and didn't. I bought some eggs, veggies, and a bottle of wine instead. (With that bottle of wine, at least I'm indulging myself a bit...)

I gave up my very favorite food ever as an exercise both in vanity and self discipline. On one hand, I'd like to get rid of my gut. Having a 36" waist was not a pleasant truth to face, and, being quite nearly thirty, I need to admit that stuffing myself with carbohydrates and fat (i.e., pasta covered with cheese) has consequences. Time to give up the food that I most often pig out on. So far, I have noticed some results. Hopefully, this will be the one and only time in my life that I fill out my current pants...

The other aspect of it, though, is more ephemeral. It is very useful to give up something that was so normal, so expected. Pasta was what I made for myself when I could not think of anything else to make. It was a default food that required no thinking, no planning, no real cognizance of any sort. Giving up something that was so much a part of my normal schedule has required a great deal of presence of mind.

The result of this is that I've thought far more about what I eat than I previously did. I think about the composition of my meals, what I'm actually putting into my body, what is necessary and what is not. I broke a cycle that was not necessarily healthy or useful, and it feels great. I just finished eating chicken and asparagus for dinner, and I know it was sufficient. That knowledge is extremely nice to have, comforting in an immense way.

I don't generally endorse puritanism or self-denial for it's own sake, but I do think that testing oneself in small ways is usually a good idea. Seeing how much of something you can do, or take, or go without. Seeing how much of a given thing is necessary or not. Power over others or over situations is all well and good, but it is quite rewarding to feel power over oneself in tiny ways on a regular basis. I gave up pasta. Probably not forever, but I banished my favorite food from my life. The results have been amenable.

While it has a rap for being associated with things like puritans, the military, and religious types, when done right I really do think that self-discipline can benefit people in very non-fucked-up ways.

I'm still jonesing. Hopefully I'll stick with this.

Verbing "Placebo"

About twenty minutes ago, I had a headache. I took some pain relievers, and it's gone now.

But I know that's bullshit.

I know that pain relievers take longer than that to kick in, and the only reason I really feel better is because of the placebo effect. I don't mind the placebo effect. It's great, it tends to work okay, but I wish that I could get the results without the placebo.

Take, for instance, tea. I love tea. Every morning, I make a cup of it and drink it with breakfast, and I always feel way more awake with that initial sip of tea. But I also know that caffeine takes upwards of 45 minutes to really get going in your system, and that that little sip does nothing, really, to my body chemistry. Yet it works.

What I'd like to be able to do is tap into that feeling, that phenomena, whenever I like. I'd like to be able to trick my brain into getting the placebo effects of, say, caffeine or pain relievers without having to lean on the psychological crutch. Ideally, I'd just be able to "placebo" myself (to coin a verb) out of no where. If there is no real change in body chemistry, then you could theoretically summon up the effects without the focus, right? Could we placebo ourselves by sheer force of will?

If someone hasn't done science about this, then they really ought to. I want to hack my brain to instantly get that "first-of-tea-okay-I'm-awake-now" feeling. It would come in handy.

Advocatus Diaboli

Last night, I got into a rather inconsequential argument with a friend of mine, the details of which are not worth repeating here. A few minutes into the argument, I realized that I wasn't truly behind my position. Intuitively, I knew my friend was absolutely right. I didn't want to prove her wrong though. What I wanted, was this: I knew that she was right in an intuitive matter, but that didn't satisfy my curiosity. I wanted her to explain her position in a more convincing and intellectual fashion, and to do so I was pelting her with a series of questions and accusations that sought to test her contentions. She did, finally, explain herself to my satisfaction, and throughout the course of the conversation I had the thought goddammit, I'm doing it again.

I am a skeptic. This is not just a facet of my character- I sincerely believe that skepticism and inquiry make us into better humans. Believing something for muddy, emotional reasons, I think, has a certain whiff of irresponsibility about it. We all do it, yes, but I believe that we have a responsibility to ourselves and others to believe things that are true, and the truth can stand up to scrutiny.

This is all well and good, yes, but sometimes it can really annoy the shit out of people. An example from my own experience: drop handlebars.

I love drop handlebars. Riding a bike without them seems a little weird, actually. But, a little over a year and a half ago, I remember railing against them, asking all kinds of questions about their utility and ergonomics and such. I was out with my ex, an avid cyclist, and I was in the market for a road bike. I said that I found the handlebars awkward and wondered why anyone would prefer them. I pelted her with questions about them, tried to poke holes in her argument about them and she, rather understandably, became extraordinarily angry with me.

What she didn't understand, though, was that at no point did I actually disagree with her. I wanted her to prove her point. I didn't want to get a new kind of bike just because it was "better." I wanted the reasons for its superiority outlined to me in a coherent manner. This, however, occasionally had social costs. "Why do you always argue things that you don't believe?" was an exasperated question often levied at me.

I try to moderate it. I really do. I know that such concerns, accusatory questions, and general poking and prodding are not everyone's idea of a good time, and many people seem to regard my persona of a devil's advocate as something hostile or nihilistic. It's not. I'm not skeptical because I want to tear down people's beliefs. Really. I'm skeptical because I want people to have a coherent outline for their positions, because I believe that such rigor improves the quality of people's arguments and principles. My questions and criticism, I hope, are forces for good. I also play devil's advocate with my students on a very regular basis, with great results. In the classroom, though, such a thing is more anticipated.

It's difficult, though. Mind you, I'm not asking for pity or pats on the head as I explain this. This isn't a fucking livejournal. I just felt compelled to shed a bit of light on this sometimes (perceived) obnoxious aspect of my personality, in light of my conversation last night. I advocate for the devil, yes, and do so with all of my abilities. But it's not because I want him to win.