An Additional Ambition

Since I've gotten back, I've spent a fair amount of time writing. Mostly about Japan. One of the reasons that I came back, I think, was that I wanted to do this, and I was not particularly productive when I was working for GEOS. Now, though, I spend a bit more time writing each day.

Okay, a shit-ton of time writing. I've been parking myself behind my keyboard for a few hours a day trying to turn an old blog, a pile of emails and journal entries, and recollections into one of those things known as a "memoir." Not only am I trying to write a book, I'm trying to write one of the more artsy and narcissistic kinds.

Sure, it's not just about me. There's a fair amount of stuff that's all about teaching in general and life in Japan. And there's all kinds of nice things that I have to say about my students. But, mostly it's about me. Oh, how interesting! A 28 year old writing about his life experiences! Wow!

I am excited about this. I've always dreamed about being a writer. I've had fantasies about doing book signings, which I think is funny because I've been to book signings, and they generally don't look super-exciting as far as the author is concerned. Whenever I sit down to write something, I get a certain high about it. There are times when you're writing, you're going, and it just all comes. I can understand the whole idea of the muse, because it really does feel like it's all coming from somewhere else at times.

I suppose that's why I blog on a frequent basis, why I can't not write. I'm addicted to the feeling of creative production. Nevertheless, there's this bad little voice in my head telling me "stop." It says that I'm going up a blind alley, that there are thousands of guys like me who pump out fiction, memoirs, and other such stuff, and that every day they dream of seeing their name in print, and almost all of them are disappointed.

And yet...

I used to work in a bookstore, and while there I became convinced that you can get any sort of shit published. Really. We had books about chicks having sexual liasons with bigfoot, books by people who thought that they were the reincarnation of Jesus, and this one book that was just a memoir about some woman going to the beach and sitting quietly for a while. Seeing all this shit, going over it, ogling at it, and ultimately selling it, really convinced me that getting something published is a feat of sales and tenacity, and anything, as long as it fills out the covers, can potentially get turned into a book. I know I'm better than a lot of the wackos and sentimentalists who've managed to get themselves onto shelves, and I really do think that I can compete if I kick myself in the ass enough.

So, I've been kicking myself in the ass. I've sat down every single day to write, pounding out memories of Japan, retooling existing material, and fashioning it all into a coherent narrative that will probably be called Hired Tongue: A Memoir of Japan. Obviously, I'm pleased with myself (that's partially why I'm blogging/bragging about it), but I'm also surprised by it. I'm surprised by how much I've been able to get done by applying myself and tapping my potential.

I've already started sending query letters to agents, trying to get them interested in a memoir about Japan. There are surprisingly books of that nature, which I find sort of odd. Thousands of people teach English there every year, and I sort of figured that someone would have written about it. There is one book, called Learning to Bow, but it's supposed to be fairly dated by now, and not particularly good. Another, a very beautiful book is called simply A Year in Japan, but it's almost entirely illustrations. There are no real, current, straight up books on my topic.

So, I'm excited by all of this. However, I do want to make one promise to myself. I will never, ever, ever refer to myself as a "writer" until and unless I actually publish something. To do otherwise would be an act of pretension that I couldn't really abide. So, for the time being, I'm still identifying as "doing fuck-all," because that about describes it. I just happen to be writing a lot.